Monthly Archives: April 2017

The Grumpy Badger Guide to Getting Online Attention

You voted, this is what you want to know about, so here it is!

 

Today’s Grumpy Badger Guide focuses on how to get attention on social media. Clearly there are lots of you out there struggling with getting adequate online attention, feeling unloved, dejected, in need of a virtual stroke.  Fear not, the Grumpy Badger Guide to getting attention on online is here to help.

For the purposes of this guide, I will be using the fictional account of one Vince McCool. He will be modelled by prolific fantasy author and friend of Newsnibbles, Samuel Z Jones.  Vince is one cool dude, and has the whole getting online attention thing down, so hopefully you can learn something from him. Newsnibbles would also like to thank “The Master”, for donating a photograph of a plate of chips for the purposes of this illustrated guide.

As with the Grumpy Badger Guide to Writing Erotica, all characters in this guide are completely fictional. Any resemblance blah blah blah.

So, without further ado, let’s begin.

Be Ambiguous

There’s no point revealing everything.  If you give out all of the information straight away no-one will have a need to comment.  You might get the odd like or share, but that’s not what we’re after here, we want proper interactions, so the more vague the better.  Below is an example from Vince’s page.  On this particular day, the local corner shop was out of full fat milk, and Vince had to buy semi skimmed.

OMG, I have no idea how I’m going to last the week! LOL

Here, you can see that Vince has reacted badly to the need to purchase semi-skimmed milk, but he hasn’t actually given us anything to go on, forcing us to ask.  He has finished the post with a LOL to show it’s nothing serious and not to worry.  You may want to leave the LOL off depending on how much attention you want.  This particular post lead to a comment from Sharon Peebody, one of Vince’s many friends.  She asked.

OMG, babe, what’s up? U ok hunni? lol xxx

Here you see that Sharon is so concerned, she hasn’t even taken the time to write full words.  Her lol is lower case, and more of a nervous titter than the uppercase guffaw that Vince used in his original status.  Girls are more likely to comment with kisses than boys, but using three here has she has, Sharon is most likely also flirting with Vince.  We will observe flirting in a later section.

Put yourself down so that everyone else can build you back up.

Vince takes a long time taking mirror selfies, arm length phone selfies and laptop selfies.  He knows his fans want to see him, but he doesn’t want to appear vain, so he posted the following caption with this one:

Just testing the camera on my laptop, LOL! Reckon it’s got an ugly filter, hehehe.

Obviously Vince knows he’s not ugly.  No-one with self esteem issues would post as many selfies as he does, but a post like this received 39 hearts and 27 comments telling him how good he looks.  Sharon was one of the first to comment with:

No, babe. It’s got the well sexy filter on. lol. Love your tshirt hehehe.

So, you see, by posting with a self deprecating comment, Vince ensured compliments whilst not appearing vain. Also, he is maintaining the interest of the lovely Sharon. 

Everyone is fascinated with your life, don’t be afraid to share.

Vince already has an extensive fan base, which is why we’re using him as an example, but you have to think big.  Be like Vince. Your friends are not just your friends, they are your fans.  Any little tidbit you give them is like virtual gold.  Nothing is boring, pointless or annoying to share.  See below for an example of Vince trivia gold.

OMG, I just put my dinner in the microwave, and accidentally set it to defrost instead of high!  It was still cold! LOL

Vince also included photographic evidence to prove he really did have dinner, and was not making this up. You may want to evidence your posts too.

 

Here you see that Vince wants to share the hilarity that has just ensued at home in his kitchen with his fans, so that they can feel like they were there too, and somehow, in some small way a part of his life.  This latest status resulted in a total of 220 “likes” and 144 comments, but we will focus on Sharon again for consistency.

PMSL babe! Ur soooo funny. xxxxx Did u eat cold chips? LOL

Here you can see that he has amused Sharon so much he earned 5 kisses in the middle of a comment. This definitely says flirting, Vince will play it cool for a bit longer, but the defrost comment has definitely earned him points. She has also included a question, so he has to respond.  You have to give to get, it’s no good getting a reputation for not responding.  See below.

No, babe! LOL! I put em back in on the right setting. PMSL.

Here you see Vince has answered her question and acknowledged that she was making a joke. Both important in developing the relationship.

Be vulnerable. Have no secrets.

In the world of online attention, there’s no point having secrets.  What’s the point in having a feeling or an emotion if you can’t tell everyone about it?  After the chip conversation, Vince privately messaged Sharon, asking her out for chipshop chips, and promising they would be hot lol xx. Of course, this happened in private, so his fans didn’t know.  This can be rectified with a single status, see below:

Got a date with the prettiest girl online! So excited and nervous! Can’t wait to see you babe xxxxx. – Sharon Peebody

Here you can see Vince has declared his love to all of his fans, making it official, and also tagged Sharon to ensure she doesn’t miss his moment of vulnerability.  Fortunately she has found a way to set up an alert, and receives an email every time someone tags her, so was able to respond virtually immediately, to reassure Vince that his feelings are reciprocated.

OMG! Me 2 babe! cant wait 2 c u! So excited about chips. Hope they’re hot like you! xxxx

So, Sharon has reassured and complimented him, and all his fans can see just what a ladies man he is.

Things happen fast, don’t be afraid to tell everyone.

In a world of superfast broadband, microwave meals and instant messages, one date does a relationship make, and you immediately need everyone to know how happy you are.  Change your relationship status immediately, and tell the world.

Vince McCool is in a relationship with Sharon Peebody.

This particular status resulted in 798 likes.  There were also 294 comments of “congrats” and “u guys r so cute”.  Sharon also commented:

OMG babe! I luv u sooo much! Can’t wait to c u tonight. I’ll bring the chips, lol xxxxxx

Even when you’re with the person, the world still needs to know.

Vince and Sharon now live together, but as they met online they still find it easier to communicate on statuses, and that way the fans still get to observe, partly envious, partly glad to be, in some small way involved in the fascinating lives of Vince and Sharon.

OMG, LOL! Vince just farted so loudly I thought it was an earthquake! I knew we shouldn’t have had beans with our chips! It’s a good job I love him! – Vince McCool.

Wot can I say? Better out than in! LOL! Love you too baby.xxxxx

Here Sharon’s status and Vince’s response collectively received 1982 likes and comments.  Not only does it show they’re real people, but it proves that they have someone in their lives that loves them. All it needs is one person to love you for everyone else to love you too.

That’s it from this Grumpy Badger Guide.  We hope you found it useful.  If you have a topic you would like covered in a Grumpy Badger Guide, please comment below and let us know.