Category : Grumpy Badger Guides
Featuring special guest writer A.M. Leibowitz.
Well, it turns out Dino-porn is a thing. Like a real thing. People write books about humans having sex with dinosaurs, and it has a following. There are people who want to read about people having sex with dinosaurs. In the spirit of education, I have teamed up with intrepid author A.M. Leibowitz, who is a braver badger than me, to create this handy how to guide for writing your very own dino-porn. I would like to say right her and now that they did ALL the research, but I have spoken to them since and they seem fine, apart from a new fetish for people with VERY short arms, which is something to be worked out within their marriage… As with actual erotica, being anatomically accurate does not appear to be a priority in dino-porn, so don’t worry yourself about that, just jump right in.
The guide below is based on A.M. Leibowitz’s extensive research on the genre, which I totes made them do… For the purposes of this guide we have taken examples for our fictional dino-porn story “I Can’t Help Lovin’ that Lizard”. As always, if we can get ten comments on this post we may be persuaded to turn it into a real book.
The events in “I Can’t Help Lovin’ that Lizard” are purely fictional, and the characters and places are products of our very warped imaginations. Any resemblance to people or lizards you know is just a coincidence. Also, because it’s got sexy bits in it, you have to be over 18 to read this. If you are under 18 please go away and come back when you’re old enough.
Note, for the asides and conversation, A.M. Leibowitz is in blue, and C H Clepitt is in red, to hopefully quell any confusion. You know, other than the confusion of how dinosaur erotica is an actual genre. You need to get over that. As always, we’ve done the research so you don’t have to…
So, without further ado, here is your guide to writing dinosaur erotica.
The Title Tells the Story
A potential reader should be able to gather the entire premise based on the title alone. A good title incorporates either the kidnapping or the sex, depending on which you want to emphasize. The title should be either alliterative or rhyming. Softer words are preferable for female protagonists: Taken by the Troodon; Swept Away by the Sauroposiedon. More aggressive words can indicate a male protagonist: Drilled by the Deinonychus; Banged by the Bambiraptor. A great title may include multiple plot elements: I Was the Spinosaurus’s Secret Sex-Slave, for example.
OK, well, I’m already rather proud of our title, so maybe we should just subtitle it “a story of dinosaur sex in the most implausible plot ever. We regretted doing it the second we lifted a pen, but quitting is for losers”. Does that work for you?
Yes, great subtitle.
There Must Be a Kidnapping/Captive Element
This is extremely important, as it sets up the situation for how your hero ends up in the boudoir of their dinosaur. It also gives you the tools you need for an attention-grabbing title.
Kidnap element? Eeek… really… And I agreed to write this shit, this is my punishment for making you do the research right? OK… here goes…
“Look, there’s one!” Kevin peered through his binoculars at a triceratops that was contentedly munching on a bush about fifty feet away from their hide.
“Do you really need the binoculars?” Lizzie rolled her eyes. “It’s a dinosaur, Kevin, it’s massive. Now you’ve seen one, can we go? I think I left the oven on.”
“No!” Kevin snapped. A sweat was forming across his brow, and he could feel a throbbing in his underwear at the sight of the twenty foot lizard. “I want to see a T-rex!”
“You would!” Lizzie snapped impatiently. “I have gone along with it this far, Kevin, all the dinosaur posters, the films, the t-shirts, the bedding. I even let you build a time machine, but really, I think enough is enough. I’m going!” She stormed out of the hide. As Kevin turned in exasperation he was scooped up by a pterodactyl and carried away.
How’s that? Do I need to describe the boudoir too or does that come later?
Nope, that bit’s later.
Great, I’ll look forward to it…
Predators Over Prey
Also very important. Stolen by the Stegosaurus has a nice ring to it, but let’s face it, Stegosauruses are simply not terrifying enough for this sort of story. You can’t bargain with them not to eat you because they wouldn’t be interested in the first place.
Righto- so, I need to bring in the t-rex with his tiny tiny arms and brain the size of a pea… on it….
Kevin came to in the nest of the huge lizard bird that had just grabbed him. Below was a stage with various cave people lined up. One diplodocus with a gavel in his teeth was standing at one end auctioning them off to bidding carnivores…
What? This is unrealistic? Come on, nothing about this genre screams realism. Now shut up, I’m running an auction.
“You are the star attraction,” the birdtile hissed. “A hairless body is very desirable, especially to the T-rex. Goes down easier, less hairballs.”
“Wait!” Kevin begged. “You can’t auction me off for T-rex cuisine! I’ll do anything! ANYTHING!”
“Anything…?” his captor asked lecherously.
There Must Be Time Travel
This is only logical. How else do you expect your protagonist to hook up with their hot dinosaur lover? This can be accomplished in two ways. Your hero can travel back in time for a prehistoric hook-up, or your dinosaur can appear in modern times. There’s no need to explain the alternate reality in which dinosaurs still rule twenty-first century earth and also know how to use Twitter.
Hey, badgers can tweet, dinosaurs probably can too, so.. *shrugs*. OK, so I briefly touched on the time machine element earlier, does it need further explanation here, or are we good?
Nah, we’re good. Poor Kevin may not be, though…
Anatomy Doesn’t Count
There’s no need to fuss about a small detail like research on lizard mating, or lizard biology at all. You can ignore the thousands of results from a simple Google search on “how did dinosaurs have sex.” As long as you can give your T-Rex or your Equijubus a giant schlong, you’re good to go.
OK, giant dangly bits. Here we go. Are you sure you aren’t trolling me right now?!
Nope. Dino Dudes are “gifted” in the nether regions. Because why wouldn’t they be?
“Anything…” The lascivious look on the creature’s face caused the throbbing in Kevin’s undergarments to return. Suddenly, a giant snake like organ appeared from between the lizard’s legs, it’s eye looking right at Kevin.
Perfect. Clearly Kevin’s not straight, which is a step up from how these dinosaurs usually operate.
Unless You Have Lesbian Dinos
In which case, all you need is a species with a very, very long tongue.
Aw, really? Whose idea was this, anyway? OK, here goes…
Lizzie stumbled through the bushes back towards the time machine. On her way her attention was grabbed by a diplodocus. It was using its long tong to extract the highest leaves from the trees, and the sight of the long pink organ gave her pause.
“What are you doing here, tiny human?” The creature looked down, its voice distinctly feminine. “They will auction you off if they catch you.”
“They… I… your tongue…” Lizzie gabbled.
“Come with me,” it looked at her and reangled its tail for her to climb up. “I will keep you safe. Very safe…”
Oh, god! Is this what it’s come to? I’m an artiste for crying out loud!
Consent Also Doesn’t Count
Is your dinosaur having trouble courting the ladies? No problem! Just introduce one to his massive wang, and she’ll be begging for more. Did you know you can also turn a man gay by putting him alone in a room with a talking velociraptor? It’s true. Dinosaurs are notorious for convincing even the most reluctant of partners. They don’t concern themselves with something so trivial as asking first. On the other hand, consent is sexy, and it’s in vogue right now, so giving your dino some basic decency could very well boost your sales.
Oh ffs! Really? I have been making our people attracted to lizards! You telling me I have to get all Son of the Sheik on this shit? I thought rape fantasies like this were a thing of the past! I am so not OK with writing dinorape. Or any rape. It’s not OK, especially not for voyeuristic reasons. Nope. Sorry. I Can’t Help Lovin’ that Lizard is going to be 100% consensual all the way.
Unless You Have Lesbian Dinos
The canon for this genre is exactly one book, but so far, the consent track record is 100%. Lesbian dinosaurs are more nurturing than their gay or straight counterparts, and they care more about making sure their partners are into it. No word on bisexual dinosaurs yet.
Did you make this bit up after what I just said so I’d have to write lesbian dino sex? I’m not gunna… I’m just not. Here, you can have a morning after scene…
“Wow,” Lizzie stretched luxuriously on the mammothskin rug. Her head was resting on the long neck of her lover. “That was, I’ve never… Kevin is so short and stubby in comparison. And, well, I… so many orgasms.”
The diplodocus made a contented sound and looped its neck around her shoulders, resting its head on her chest.
Keep It Short
You want to leave your readers wanting more. A story of 3-6k is all you need to get the point across. Dinosaurs have tiny brains; they can’t keep pace with a long novel, and they certainly shouldn’t be overwhelmed with something as tricky as an actual plot.
Well, we must be thankful for small mercies I suppose.
Keep It Fresh
These stories have a short shelf life. Next week, people probably aren’t going to be talking about Undressed by the Urbacodon like the classic we know it’s destined to become. This is a genre which requires constant new ideas. Some people branch out into mythological creatures or inanimate objects because they fear losing their audience. But if you stick to the formula, you won’t have anything to worry about.
Watch this space for I married a pizza oven. Coming to a bookstore near you!
Someone, somewhere, is going to write that. It won’t be me.
Never say never! Set up a crowd funder and see if you get interest!
If you enjoyed this how to guide, don’t forget to tell us what you thought in the comments!