Monthly Archives: May 2018

Launch Parties and Torsos

So, I had my launch party for my latest release.  I didn’t want to do the usual, author takeover, marketing spam thing, it’s been done and overdone, and no-one’s interested, so, instead I asked my friend A. M. Leibowitz to torso bomb the event.  Regular visitors to my site will remember The Grumpy Badger Guide to Book Covers, where we took some (genuine) advice we were given about torsos on book covers improving sales, and satirised that baby to death.

Well, not quite to death.  There are so many books out there that could really benefit from a torso cover.  Rather than be negative and put those books up for mockery, we teamed up once more, to help the hapless authors improve their lots.  I would like to thank all the brave authors who put their covers forward for improvement.  And thank those who had their books put forward by others for being such good sports and taking this in the spirit in which it was intended. I have also spent some time improving their blurbs, so hopefully you can see the difference. Let us know what you think in the comments.

So, the first torso cover was a complete surprise! Amy created a cover for my Flash Fiction piece, Vehicles and Torsos. As there was no original cover, I simply created a blurb off the cuff. I will have to release a flash anthology, just so I can use this cover!

Blurb:

 Step into the steamy world of vehicles and torsos. There isn’t a dry seat in the house.

It even has a cover, thanks to the incredibly talented A.M. Leibowitz.

Our next victim… er… subject was the brilliant Darkly Dreaming by Chloe Hammond.

New Blurb:

Stuck in a dead end marriage, with a flabby torso’d husband, Rae longs for the adventure that death brings her. Step into a sexy story of the undead. Chloe Hammond writes vampires with real bite!


See how much better this is than the original cover by clicking here.

The next reimagined book cover was Watership Down which has been reimagined as Watership Down With Shifters… Yeah, it was a special request by a family member, sorry folks.

New Blurb:

Who doesn’t love a furry bunny? But you need a strong man too, right? Well, in Watership Down, Adams provides just that, and brings a new meaning to the phrase “doing it like rabbits”. Warning, you’ll probably cry…

See how much of an improvement this is on the original (which is not a shifter story, just a rabbit story) by clicking here.

The next book in our torso collective is The Wag and the Scoundrel by Debbie McGowan, imaginatively  retitled The Wag and the Torso.

New Blurb:

Gray is a man’s man, who likes sleeping with men. Step into this sizzling torso romance, from the author who brought you To Be Torsos, and Hiding Behind The Torso, is another hot bod…

Find out how much better this is than the original by clicking here.

Our next brave volunteer was The Elixir of War  by Margena Adams Holmes.

New Blurb:

War is hell, but when there are torsos it can be slightly more bearable. From the author who brought you Dear Torso, comes this epic, of torsos and drink, and more torsos.

Find out how much better this is than the original by clicking here.

Undisturbed by previous torsos, our next volunteer was author J C Steel with her vampire novel Death is for the Living.

New Blurb:

What is sexier that vampires? Vampires on boats with French accents, of course. Blood has never been so slick in JC Steel’s sexy vampire story.


And as this book doesn’t appear to be on Amazon yet, here’s her original cover idea. Maybe she’ll change it for a torso before it’s too late.

We also did a poll to find out which classic should be reimagined at a torso.  The winner, by a landslide was Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.

New Blurb:

Victor couldn’t get a man. He’d tried TINDER, Match, and all of the traditional sites. No luck. Not to be defeated, he decided to dig up a corpse and make his own, but has he made a man, or a monster…?

You can see how much better this is than the original by clicking here.

And finally, a reimagining of Curtain Call! I love this so much I contemplated changing my original cover, but then, I may lose my target audience…

New Blurb:

Jim has it all. Successful career, money, fans. The one thing he is missing is the perfect woman to share it all with, and well, he doesn’t find her here, because this is lesbian fiction, fools.

You can see how much better this is than the original by clicking here.

And if we can get Curtain Call into the top 10 on Amazon UK for Lesbian Fiction, Amy will do a Shrek torso poster, so get buying, let’s make this happen!

 


Vehicles and Torsos

Category : Flash Friday

Well, today’s #FlashFriday prompt was vehicles.  I, however, never being one to turn down a dare, promised Debbie McGowan that I would include a naughty scene with a torso, which I have dutifully done.  This post, therefore, contains naughty bits, so you have to be over 18 to read it. If you aren’t over 18, please go away and come back when you are. Thanks.

So, for those of you who have been following Grumpy Badger Guides, you may recognise a theme here… ahem..

It even has a cover, thanks to the incredibly talented A.M. Leibowitz.

Jamie ran his fingers tentatively down the smooth torso.  It was warm to the touch, and so hard. He hadn’t expected it to be so hard.  It shifted slightly under his touch, so he took it more firmly, a hand on either side, gripping it.  Leaning in he cautiously touched it, first with his nose, then with the tip of his tongue, exploring the contours, abs, chest, neck.  It was exciting. He’d never done anything like this before. He shifted in the back of the car. His excitement was growing, it was so intense.  He had to unbutton his jeans or he might just burst. The pressure of his swelling member against his fly was just too much to bear. He sighed as he released himself.  The torso shined in the sunlight that had been beating down on it through the car window. It was time.

“Oi!” A woman’s voice called from behind him.  “What are you doing in my car, weirdo?”

Jamie spun around, pulling the torso out with him to cover his front area.

“And what are you doing with my mannequin?” She sounded hysterical.

“I’m sorry…” Jamie stammered.  “It was just in there and I couldn’t resist… It’s so smooth and…”

“Oh, Christ!” The woman went grey, suddenly realising what was going on.  “You’re the bloke who was in the paper for marrying a pizza oven, aren’t you?”

“Please don’t tell my wife!” Jamie suddenly panicked tossing the torso at the woman and taking off at a run.

“Eugh… I…” she held the torso at arm’s length.  It was still damp from Jamie’s saliva.

“Hey, babe,” a man approached her. “Whatcha doin’ with old Horace, there?”

“The pizza oven guy was in the back of my car with him…” She held the torso out still, staring weakly at the open back door of her car.

“Eurgh…” the man stepped away from her. “How did he get in?”

“I must have left it open…”

“Right… well… stick him in the boot and be glad we didn’t buy a bread maker,” he said philosophically, as he climbed in the passenger side and opened the window.