Author Archives: grumpsthebadge

Shiver Me Timbers or Until Death Don’t We Part

Category : Uncategorized

Written by C H Clepitt

A spot of ghost erotica from one half of the creators of A Grumpy Badger Guide to Dinosaur Erotica, and the *soul* creator of Broken Bareback: A Stable Romance.


With the recent surge in the news about women marrying ghosts (just Google it, if you’re interested, that sentence literally covers it) and one even getting divorced again; wedded bliss to someone without a body clearly not being all she anticipated, I have been inspired to create this piece of fiction.  Whilst this has been inspired by true events, it is a complete work of fiction. All characters (living and deceased) places, and events are products of the author’s imagination. Any similarity to persons, ghosts, places or events is purely coincidental. As this is spoof erotica, it does, of course, contain naughty bits, so is rated 18+. If you are under 18 please go away and come back when you’re old enough.

As always, if this receives enough interest, I could be convinced to expand it into a full length book and publish it properly. Experience has taught me, however, that the interest pool is limited…

Part One: A Pirate’s Death

Well, it were a good death, as deaths go. I weren’t strung up, nor keelhauled, nor filled w’lead. They says I went mad in the end. Syphilis’ll do that to ye. I were quite the ladies man, truth be told. I’d had me share o’ pirate wenches, commoners and ladies. I think it were a lady that undid me in the end. It went like this… we were boarding the queen’s ship Yardarm, falsely named, if you ask me, for their cap’ain was a weedy little scoundrel, barely able to grow a beard. He cried and pissed himself before I ran him through.

It were policy aboard me ship to let the women and children go. We ain’t monsters, and we have honour, not matter what lies yer ‘istory books tells ye.  But this particular one weren’t goin’ without a fight. Cap’ain’s wife, cap’ain’s cabin. Me first mate comes out to me, says;

“Cap’ain, she won’t leave, she’s demandin’ parlay.”

“Parlay?” Says I, all confused like. “But we’re releasing her, what is there to parlay?”

“She’m don’t wanna be released, Cap’ain,” says he.

“Right you are, Jimmy,” says I, rolling up me sleeves and moving t’wards her cabin. “I’ll parlay.”

I knocked lightly on the door and enters, removing me hat as I does.

“Captain Goldcock?” she asks me, all proper, like. They calls me Captain Goldcock on account of Puck, me famous fighting cock, still undefeated to my knowledge.

“Yes, ma’am,” I nods respectfully as I enters the room.

“Do you mean to have your way with me?” she asks, all proper, like.

“No, ma’am,” I nods courteously. “You be free to leave the ship. We can set you in a lifeboat, or you can sail with us to land, and you has me word no harm’ll come te ye.”

“What if I don’t want to return to land?” she asks, sticking her chin at me, all stubborn like. She can’t be a day over one and twenty, and her skin is pale as ivory and smooth as the silk in me sails.  Her bosom heaves in her tight, proper dress, and I fingers the hilt of me sword, pondering whether I oughta cut it free.

“Well, ma’am,” I says, ignoring the twitching in me trousers at the sight of her catching her breath. “Do you have an useful skills that would lend themselves to pirating?”

“I have nothing but my body,” says she, a tear rolling down her cheek. “My father traded that to my husband for a share of his tea company.”

“Well, ma’am,” says I, stiffening and raising to me full height. “I may not be no gentleman, but I do not trade in human flesh. People be free to join me crew, and work for their keep, but they gets an even share of what they earns, and their bodies be their own.”

Her lips twitches in a sort of smile, and I finds meself studying ‘em as if I’ve never seen a lip in me life.

“Do you think I could learn to be useful, Captain?” She’s studying me beard. It’s much more manly than the one sported by her sorry excuse for a husband.

“I believe so, Ma’am,” says I, and I offers her me arm.

“Come with me, I’ll escort you to the ship, and we’ll find you somewhere to sleep.”

She looks to me, then to the captain sized bunk, not a stone’s throw from where she be sittin’, and the heave of her bosom grows quicker.

“Are you in a terrible hurry, Captain?” She stands slow and moves towards me. I feels me jolly roger reach half mast.

“What did you have in mind, ma’am?” I asks.

“Well, do you think I’m appropriately dressed for piracy?” She be so close now I can feel her sweet breath on me neck, and I know what she wants. Me flag is fully flying now, and I wants it to, so I draws me sword and cuts through the laces on her bodice, allowing her frills and the like to fall to the deck.  She looks up at me, not peeved or upset, but a curious expression. “Is this better?” She asks, standing before me, naked and unashamed.

“I’d say so, ma’am, at least from where I be standing,” says I.

“And where are you standing?” she undoes me belt and I lets her.

As me trousers hits the deck, she has me flagpole in her hand, the motion of her soft skin against it enough to make me moan.  She wants it. There’s no question in my mind. No doubt her scrawny husband neither knew nor cared how to please a woman, but I do, and so she’ll have to be patient.  I turns her towards the bed and moves her to it. This is when our lips meet for the first time. As I kiss her I cup her soft breasts in me hands and gently but firmly caress her nipples with me thumbs. She pushes her body closer to me, and moans at the sensation, and I takes the opportunity to taste her. Our tongues rub against each other, frantic with the need. I feel her hands moving against my back and down to me arse, pulling me in, tighter against her. I moves me mouth to her neck and taste down to her breasts, and down, down further. She tastes of the salt of the sea and fresh as the breeze.

“Oh Captain!” she moans.

“Call me Goldcock.” Says I before returning to me feast.

“Goldcock!” She cries again, and again.

When at last me canon is in her porthole we are both ready. It ain’t long until the fuse is burnt and the shot released and I lay atop her, caressing her ivory skin, and staring into her deep pools of eyes.

“I’ve never…” she begins.

“You be free now,” I tells her. “You may do as you please.”

“And what if it pleases me to stay with you?” she asks, almost begging.

“Lady’s choice.” Says I.

Being with her was the happiest I’ve been. We pillaged and plundered and our nights were spent in each other’s arms. But her scrawn husband had the last laugh. He’d done for us both.  He’d been whoring you see. If I hadn’t got ‘im, the clap would. And it got us both. Her being a lady, and a good soul has passed onto a better place. Me being a murdering pirate, I’m doomed to walk this earth for eternity, alone, or so I thought.

Part Two: Holiday Romance

I mostly sticks to beaches for me hauntings. They reminds me of coming ashore, and it amuses me to make footprints appear before folks in the sand. Those land loving dogs fair pisses ‘emselves at ghost prints. I’m really careful to do it only when one person is looking, sowing the seeds of doubt. Makes ‘em think they be crazy. Anyway, one day I was walking along the beach, and there’s these three buxom wenches. They are wearing very little, which I always appreciates, and reading something that was making ‘em cackle like a gaggle of geese.

“No, no,” says one. “It says here that you have to think about the sort of ghost you want. Just close your eyes and think of it, and it’ll come to you. Or maybe in you!” She cackles again.

“I want a pirate!” Says the one with a more ample bosom than the rest. “I’m gunna try right now!” She grins raunchily and lays back on her towel.

Want a pirate do ye? Thinks I as her friends laugh and flick to another page in their publication. I haven’t tupped a female since I’ve been decease, but you don’t forget how it’s done.  She’s lying on her back, eyes closed, hands by her sides, knees raised, legs slightly apart. Like she’s waiting for me. I runs a tentative finger up the outside of her leg, starting at her ankle and finishing at her hip. She makes a soft groaning noise, and shifts slightly. Can she feel me? Sticking with the finger, I moves to her breast, encircling her nipple with the very tip, barely touching her.  She shifts, pushing herself towards me hand. She definitely feels me! I’m taking it seriously now. I leans in and kisses her neck, and she moans and wriggles again. Resting my thigh between hers, I take both hands to her desert islands and caress, rubbing the rock hard peaks firmly with me thumbs. She moans louder and moves her hips up against me, drawing the attention of her crew, who look up from their reading, all perplexed like, to see what the fuss is about.

“Carly?” One of them asks tentatively, but she be lost in me ghostly embrace. If we’d have been alone this would have just been the beginning, and I’d have spent hours pleasing her. I loves the moaning of a wench when all she wants is your saber to run her through, but you makes her wait, and moan until she can barely hold it. But we ain’t alone, and if it goes on too long, these geese’ll stop us.

I moves one down to the well manicured lawn below the islands, and slips me hand between her thighs whilst undoing me belt with the other. She is already wet as the sea and smooth as seaweed and as I push against her, she moans again. It be time to impale her on me long sword, but as I does it, the strangest thing happens.

“Goldcock!” she cries! “Goldcock! Pillage me, Goldcock!”

The shock at her knowing my name almost falters me, but I ain’t that kind of pirate. And me ghost cannon is different, I am able to undulate it, and vibrate it at the frequency of the spirit realm. She’s lost in me now, moaning, and thrusting, slick with sweat and I have to admit, I’m lost in her too. Plunging and withdrawing me sword faster and faster as she moans and cries;

“Goldcock! Don’t stop! Keep going!”

“Carly! This isn’t funny! People are looking!” One of the harpies tries to interrupt us.  But it be too late. We’re done. With a shudder we release.

“What was that?” The harpy demands as my princess lies, drenched in her own sweat and my ectoplasm.

“That was the great pirate Goldcock,” she sighs contentedly as she closes her eyes.

Part Three: Making it Legal

She called to me every night after that, and I would come to her, on her and in her.  I had not had such a sense of purpose since I were alive. And me princess be insatiable. It be nightly, multiple times a night. I don’t have time to haunt or wander the beaches, by the time she’s rested I be so depleted that I vanishes to I don’t know where. Only to be called up again to pleasure her.

I sometimes thought to meself that she thought no more of me than she would of a dildo, just a convenience to satiate her craving for the flagpole. That was until I were summoned to a room full of people.  She were standing in the centre, wearing a white frock. Ironic.

“He’s here,” she announces, as I appear.

“Very well,” a genderless being in long robes and blue glass over its eyes opens a book. “Do you, Carly Rose Flower Pineapple Teflon McBride take Captain Horatio P Goldcock to be your soulmate in spirit, for the rest of eternity?”

“I do!” She trills loudly. Everyone claps.

“And you you, Captain Horatio P Goldcock, of the Bristol Goldcocks take Carly Rose Flower Pineapple Teflon McBride to be your soulmate in spirit for the rest of eternity?”

“Hang on a minute, matey,” I begins. “Eternity is a very long time to be tethered to one wench, even one as shapely as she…”

“He does!” She trills excitedly.

“Then I now proclaim your bond complete! Go forth and be happy!”

I feel like I might have been keelhauled into this. Everyone’s congratulating her on her nuptials and asking what her plans are now.

I reckon my focus will have to be the wedding night…

Thank you for reading this short story. As always, I would love to hear what you think. Pop a comment below. If there is enough interest I could be persuaded to turn this into a book…

The cover was cobbled together with the help of these lovely folks who make their artwork public domain.

Mystic Art Design




Competition Time

Category : Uncategorized

It’s competition time.

Update! I will also accept pictures of your (fully clothed) torsos as entry, as I would like to make a collage of torsos. If you enter a torso, you are agreeing to its use in my collage!

As you may already know if you follow me on Twitter, I am trying to build a bookworm army. I have named it “The Lesbian and Bisexual Bookworm Army” because I am using it to try and gain visibility for my LesFic, but I’ll take honorary members (ie anyone who wants to join).

It’s been less popular than I was hoping… could be something to do with the way I’m selling it… so I thought I’d have a competition to try and get some new recruits!

During the First World War, Kitchener was able to get recruits using this poster:

And this worked for him, so I thought I’d make my own:

And now I want you guys to spread the word! I want you to take a photo of yourself posing like Kitchener. Add the text I added to my version, and send it to me, either by email, Tweet, or via Facebook. The winning entry will receive a signed book, audiobook code and framed poster, whilst two runners up will receive posters and audiobook codes. Every entry will receive a free ebook.

And if you would like to join the army yourself, you can, either on Twitter, just tweet me and say you’d like to sign up, on Facebook, ask to join the group, or by signing up for my newsletter (which I really don’t send as often as I should).

Now for the boring T&C bits.

By submitting an entry you affirm that you own the copyright of the picture you are submitting, and give C H Clepitt permission to share and use in conjunction with promoting the competition and army.

C H Clepitt reserves the right to void any entry they deem inappropriate, without explanation.

Competition closes on May 1st 2019, and winners will be contacted via the means by which they entered. You give C H Clepitt permission to store your data for the purposes of administrating this competition.

Audio book codes are valid for Audible US or UK

Ebook codes are valid for Smashwords.

No alternative prizes will be offered.


Category : Flash Friday

This week’s flash fiction prompt from our Sparkly Badgers writer group was Falling. As I was writing it on #ShakespeareSunday (a Twitter hashtag thing) I decided to write a poem in iambic pentameter. Just FYI, iambic pentameter is REALLY hard… Anyway…


It’s stupid. I mean, I am an adult.

I work a 9 to 5 in a dull job.

I had a plan. This so isn’t the plan.

I’ve completely lost control. I’m falling.

Literally and figuratively.

Probably not metaphorically.

Can you metaphorically fall, though?

No idea. This isn’t a metaphor.

I don’t even remember how it started.

I can’t recall who started it, or why.

I can’t remember when things were normal.

They must have been at one point, mustn’t they?

I think shouldn’t have opened the note.

But if I hadn’t, if I’d just ignored…

What would my life even be if I had?

I’d still be in control, I know that much.

I wouldn’t be falling. Ears ringing loud.

Earth plummeting towards me. Wind so hard.

I cannot see, hear or think. This is it.

It’s over. I’m going to crash. I knew.

Always knew. It was inevitable.

I have always been so guarded ‘til now.

And now it’s over. My end’s nearly here.

It’s my fault. I know it is. I can’t stop.

Then I hear your voice in my ear. Cool, calm.

“Pull the shoot,” you say. “The chord on your left.”

I remember, I’m not falling alone.

I pull the chord and jolt. My decent slows.

We’re falling together. I’m not alone.

Falling’s not so bad if you’re falling too.

Rainbow Snippets

Category : Rainbow Snippets

I joined a group on Facebook called Rainbow Snippets, which posts 6 sentences of LGBTQIA+ fiction every week and everyone follows on like a blog chain!  Make sure you check out the Facebook group for more snippets, or follow the #RainbowSnippets hashtag on Twitter.

Thank you for all of your help with the audio snippet of My Dream Woman. We’ve submitted it for approval, and hopefully it will be available soon.

This week I have a snippet from Curtain Call, which is also in audio production. Exciting!


“A P.A.?” Eleanor gaped at her for a moment. “Why on earth would I…” then she rolled her eyes. “Buni. She wants me to have a chaperone, not a P.A.  Well, come on in, I wouldn’t be much of a host if I left you in the corridor, would I?” She opened the door to reveal the messiest room Jen had ever seen.  There were clothes strewn over every possible piece of furniture, and pieces of highlighted paper in various places around the floor. “I don’t have a prompt,” she offered apologetically. “So,” she indicated the floor.

I am also taking part in a Halloween giveaway with a group of other authors. Click interested on the event to play the game, find the hidden word and be in with a chance of winning a clutch of fantastic eBooks…. uh oh… what’s that…?

Rainbow Snippets

Category : Rainbow Snippets

I joined a group on Facebook called Rainbow Snippets, which posts 6 sentences of LGBTQIA+ fiction every week and everyone follows on like a blog chain!  Make sure you check out the Facebook group for more snippets, or follow the #RainbowSnippets hashtag on Twitter.

We have finished work on the audio version of My Dream Woman and I am absolutely thrilled with the fantastic job Natalie Husdan has done with the narration. She has really captured all of the characters perfectly and brought them to life. Be sure to sign up for my newsletter, you’ll be offered the chance of a free download code when it’s released, as well as automatically received an ebook code for Curtain Call,

So, final selection for the retail sample, what do you think?

“Dragons, really?” I roll my eyes.


“Hey,” she laughs at me as the enormous lizard comes in to land.  “Dragons are awesome, and you know it.”


I have no argument, dragons are awesome.  “Come on!” I call to the soldier, and we run towards the creature as it breathes fire at the hoods, scattering them in its wake.


There are two more dragons, circling in the air, covering our escape as we take off into the moonlight.

Rainbow Snippets

Category : Rainbow Snippets

I joined a group on Facebook called Rainbow Snippets, which posts 6 sentences of LGBTQIA+ fiction every week and everyone follows on like a blog chain!  Make sure you check out the Facebook group for more snippets, or follow the #RainbowSnippets hashtag on Twitter.

We’re in the process of launching My Dream Woman into the heady world of audiobooks, and trying to choose the best retail sample.  It can be 5 minutes long, and has to really sell the book.  If you read last week’s snippet, do you think it would make a good retail sample, or is this one better?

I down my drink.  She’s super clever.  Way out of my league.  Something strikes me then.  A memory? A deja vu, maybe?  I have a flash of her lips on mine… shit!  Is she my dream woman?

Rainbow Snippets

Category : Rainbow Snippets

I joined a group on Facebook called Rainbow Snippets, which posts 6 sentences of LGBTQIA+ fiction every week and everyone follows on like a blog chain!  Make sure you check out the Facebook group for more snippets, or follow the #RainbowSnippets hashtag on Twitter.

Last week I posted from Everything is Better with a Cape. This week I am posting from the first in my The Guild of Dream Warriors series: My Dream Woman.

I am super excited about the excellent job Natalie Husdan is doing on the audiobook, so watch this space for more on that!

“Swords? Really?” The woman standing over the body, pointing two smoking guns, looks disapprovingly at me.  Not only does she have a face, but it is an incredibly attractive face. Amazing, sparkling brown eyes, full lips… way out of my league.  Normally. But not here, this is my place, I can control it.

“Swords are way cooler than guns,” I say firmly as I resheath them, crossed across my back.  “Takes no skill to pull a trigger. I’m like a frickin’ ninja.”

Visit the book page to find out more.

Rainbow Snippets

Category : Rainbow Snippets

I joined a group on Facebook called Rainbow Snippets, which posts 6 sentences of LGBTQIA+ fiction every week and everyone follows on like a blog chain!  Make sure you check out the Facebook group for more snippets, or follow the #RainbowSnippets hashtag on Twitter.

Last week I posted a snipped from I Wore Heels to the Apocalypse, so this week I’ll do the sequel: Everything is Better With a Cape.

So, without further ado, here’s my snippet:

“Nice pic of us,” Tyrone observed, handing it back. “I might need to set up a fan page.”

“They think we’re a couple,” I said in utter disbelief that he’d missed this massive problem.

“Well, that’s probly for the best, Babe,” he said thoughtfully. “You can’t have gay superheroes, people wouldn’t stand for it.”

“What?” I looked at him. “Of course you can, why not? What about Smithy? Won’t he be upset?”

“He don’t know my secret identity, Babe,” Tyrone spoke calmly. “I was wearing the cap when I rescued him, wasn’t I?”

“I… what… Why can’t superheroes be gay?” I gave up on the cap thing for now.

Find out more here.

Rainbow Snippets

Category : Rainbow Snippets

I joined a group on Facebook called Rainbow Snippets, which posts 6 sentences of LGBTQIA+ fiction every week and everyone follows on like a blog chain!  I’ve mostly been lurking in the shadows and following the snippets, but today is Bi Visibility Day, so I’ve decided to stop lurking and actually post something!! Eeek! I’ll start with Heels, which is sort of like my “coming out” book, as it’s the first book to contain openly LGBT themes, to the point that some reviewers became very upset…

So, without further ado, here’s my 6 sentences:

“I’m gunna train Kerry in self defence,” Tyrone said determinedly. “She’ll be a kick ass lesbo in no time!”

“Thanks Tyrone,” was all I could bring myself to say, but I was weeping on the inside.

“It’s OK,” the badger reassured me. “There’s really no-one here to witness your humiliation, and if you turn this experience into a memoir, you can leave all the embarrassing bits out.”

“Be a pretty short memoir then,” I observed.

Find out more.


Category : Flash Friday

I haven’t done a Friday Flash for a while, but I’ve felt a bit blocked.  These are characters from my current WIP, A Walk in the Park.  This flash may find its way into the finished novel, or may just serve as background – I don’t know yet.  I do know that the prompt of Landscapes, managed to get me writing again, and I feel excited about my characters again.  Hopefully, you like it too.  Let me know what you think.








“Don’t get me wrong,” Cathleen was lying on her side, face propped on her hand, studying Jules. “I understand the point of landscapes. They didn’t have cameras, it was a way of capturing a moment, recording it. But really, it’s just copying. Anyone can copy.”

“It’s also a way of appreciating beauty,” Jules turned her head to gaze at Cathleen. This had happened far too fast, she wasn’t this person, was she? “People appreciate beauty in different ways.”

“They do,” Cathleen was studying her as though she was memorising her. The contours of her face, her body.

“Stop it!” Jules rolled over, suddenly self conscious and began to gather up her clothes.

“Where are you going?” Cathleen sat up, totally comfortable in her own skin.

“Nowhere,” Jules said over her shoulder as she hauled on her t-shirt and hopped into her jeans. “I just don’t like being naked in the middle of the day!”

“Hmm.” Cathleen made a sort of non-commital noise and continued to study her.

“I’d better not see myself in the next exhibit you do,” Jules warned, half joking, half not. “I’ll know, no matter how abstract you make it!”

“Some things are private.” Cathleen stretched languidly and climbed from the bed. “I’d rather have you there in person,” she smiled and took Jules’ hands.

“I… um…” Jules found herself struggling for words under the intense gaze. Suddenly her phone began to beep. She started as though remembering she was awake. “Shit! I have a meeting!” She pulled away and began to hunt for her shoes.

“Fine,” Cathleen took on a mock sulky tone. “Just leave me here with my paints.”

“I’ll call you later,” Jules offered.

“Yes, do, I’m not easy, you know.” Cathleen laughed. She’d already set a canvas up on an easel. “I think I’ll do a landscape, I feel inspired to capture beauty.”