• 0

Friday Flash – Strange

Category : Flash Friday , Stories

This Friday’s flash prompt from Claire was to type “strange pictures” into Google, and pick one as inspiration for a flash.  What this showed me is that people find many different things strange, and strange for someone might be perfectly normal for someone else, so, here’s my #FridayFlash

Strange Pictures

It always struck me, how the portrait of my great grandmother, the one that hung in the smoking room was never particularly, pleasant.  I suppose that was why it was in the smoking room, rather than the great hall, with all the other portraits. That, and of course, Great Grandma Gretel was the shame of the family.  She had been on the marches, argued the part of the slaves, once she threw a stone at a policeman.  True story.  Our family didn’t protest.  We were in the fortunate position not to need to.  We were well off, well respected and had no need to rebel, or incite change.  Anyway, Great Grandma Ethel disappeared, shortly after the portrait was painted, leaving Great Grandpa Bill with two children, and I can only imagine greatly relieved not to have a rebel living under his roof any more.

I often retired to the smoking room, no-one really used it, and I enjoyed the quiet.  I would sit and study the painting, sometimes chat to Great Grandma Ethel about my day, the things that pleased or annoyed me, what I was looking forward to, or what I was dreading.  No matter where I would sit, it seemed to me that Ethel was looking at me, really paying attention to what I was saying.  It was on such a day that the fire broke out.  I first noticed the smoke coming under the door, and opened it to the flames.  I let out a cry of panic, and was unable to shut the door again against the heat and the flames.  I rushed to the window to try and leave that way, but it was rusted shut.  The old house had fallen into disrepair.  The smoke was burning my lungs, everything was getting darker, and then I remember no more.

I awoke to see firemen staring at me, as though I was on a platform, above them.  I think I blinked, but can’t be sure.  A voice from behind me said quietly,

“Do not move until they’ve gone.”

I remained still, lying out, looking at them.

“What a strange picture,” one of them was saying. “See the woman in the background, she is in very old fashioned clothing, but the one at the front, she’s modern. Very out of place.”

“The whole thing is out of place,” another said. “See the farmer in the backdrop? He’s older again, whoever painted it did not research their history.  Come on, there’s no-one here, let’s go.”

When they were gone I looked up to see Great Grandma Ethel smiling down at me.

“The world I lived in was not for me,” she said quietly. “So I came here, to join my grandfather on his farm. I’ve enjoyed our talks, I hope you will be happy here.”

I blinked. I felt I probably would.


  • 0

Friday Flash: Music

Category : Flash Friday , Stories

Today in our Sparkly Badger’s Group, the flash prompt from Claire read as follows:

Choose your favourite song, pick a smidgen of the lyrics and use that as your inspiration. Alternatively, choose an instrumental piece. Share your music & your flash in the comments below, no more than 1000 words.

My original problem was that songs already tell stories, so telling a different story was nearly impossible for my brain.  But then, a colleague dared me to write a flash about the song below, and I do enjoy a challenge. It’s more of a micro flash, but never say I don’t rise to a challenge…

Geoffrey the giraffe peered longingly over the treetops to the watering hole. There, with only her nostrils and ears poking out of the mud was Henrietta. Geoffrey had loved her from a distance for months, but had never had the courage to say so. His parents wanted him to settle down with Gloria, a giraffe from the neighbouring plain, but Geoffrey had never really been into giraffes, he preferred a filler, rounder figure. He…

Sadly for him, Henrietta was not interested in giraffe’s with a hippo fetish, or being anyone’s experiment, so Geoffrey was doomed to watch from a distance, never able to wade the swamp and dare allow his love to speak its name… Well, it was a bit weird, wasn’t it?!

This picture is shared from Wikipedia, under the creative commons license. It was taken by Derek Keats from Johannesburg, South Africa


  • 1

Nursery Rhymes and Coffee

Category : Flash Friday

In our Sparkly Badgers Facebook group we have a weekly writing task called “Flash Friday”, no, not that kind of flash, perv. We are given a prompt and have to write some flash fiction based on it.

This week’s prompt is:

Think of your three favourite nursery rhyme characters. Have them meet in a coffee shop – what do they order? What do they talk about?

See if you can identify all the nursery rhymes I have squeezed in, and tell me in the comments!

Jill stumbled into to the coffee shop. It had not been a good day. She wanted coffee, and she wanted cake. She ordered a caramel latte and an almond croissant and seated herself in the big leather sofa next to the window. It was one of those tired old seats in which you sink much deeper than originally anticipated and getting out again seems like more effort than it’s worth. She was just contemplating whether she could reach her latte without serious physical jerks when a sheep jumped up next to her.

“Hey, hun,” Mary joined her. She had a vegan gluten free bakewell tart and a black coffee. “Sorry I’m late, traffic. Dave not here yet?”
“Not yet,” Jill tickled the lamb absentmindedly. “They don’t mind sheep?”
“Says no dogs,” Mary shrugged. “Nothing about sheep.” She pulled up a small velvet stool. The surface was worn, but the edges showed that it had once been a proud burgundy. “Here,” she passed Jill her drink. “Don’t strain yourself, how you feeling now?”
“Still bruised, but I’m lucky, Jack broke his crown.”
“Dentists aren’t cheap, either,” Mary observed sympathetically.
“Tell me about it. We have to go back again next week. Good job they’ve let us pay installments. I don’t know why we have to go up that hill for our water, we have a perfectly good tap.”
“Less chemicals,” Mary shrugged. “There’s Dave.” She waved.
“I’ll take chemicals over that bloody hill any day!” Jill grumbled. Reaching for her croissant she winced.
“Don’t talk to me about bloody hills.” Dave handed her here croissant before sitting in the high backed armchair opposite. “I’ve spent the entire morning marching up and down, up and down. No idea why. You ask me the grand old duke’s losing it.”
“Well, he is getting on a bit,” Mary observed. “You not having anything?”
“Panini,” Dave held out his hand to the lamb, which bleated and jumped off the sofa and up onto his lap. “We were up, then we were down. No bloody logic. Up down, up down. Except when he randomly stopped us in the middle of course, then we weren’t up or down.”
“Sounds thrilling.” Mary observed. “Maybe I should join join the army.”
“They wouldn’t let you have a sheep,” Dave observed.
“They don’t like it at school either,” Mary shrugged. “He followed me one day and the fuss they made. You’d think I’d brought a blackbird.”
“Don’t!” Jill said urgently. “Martha still hasn’t had her nose job.”
“I know, horrible,” Mary agreed. “I’m thinking of taking up gardening…”

  • 5

The Grumpy Badger Guide to Writing Dinosaur Erotica

Featuring special guest writer A.M. Leibowitz.

Well, it turns out Dino-porn is a thing. Like a real thing. People write books about humans having sex with dinosaurs, and it has a following.  There are people who want to read about people having sex with dinosaurs.  In the spirit of education, I have teamed up with intrepid author A.M. Leibowitz, who is a braver badger than me, to create this handy how to guide for writing your very own dino-porn.  I would like to say right her and now that they did ALL the research, but I have spoken to them since and they seem fine, apart from a new fetish for people with VERY short arms, which is something to be worked out within their marriage… As with actual erotica, being anatomically accurate does not appear to be a priority in dino-porn, so don’t worry yourself about that, just jump right in.

The guide below is based on A.M. Leibowitz’s extensive research on the genre, which I totes made them do… For the purposes of this guide we have taken examples for our fictional dino-porn story “I Can’t Help Lovin’ that Lizard”.  As always, if we can get ten comments on this post we may be persuaded to turn it into a real book.

The events in “I Can’t Help Lovin’ that Lizard” are purely fictional, and the characters and places are products of our very warped imaginations.  Any resemblance to people or lizards you know is just a coincidence.  Also, because it’s got sexy bits in it, you have to be over 18 to read this. If you are under 18 please go away and come back when you’re old enough.

Note, for the asides and conversation, A.M. Leibowitz is in blue, and C H Clepitt is in red, to hopefully quell any confusion. You know, other than the confusion of how dinosaur erotica is an actual genre. You need to get over that. As always, we’ve done the research so you don’t have to…

So, without further ado, here is your guide to writing dinosaur erotica.

The Title Tells the Story

A potential reader should be able to gather the entire premise based on the title alone. A good title incorporates either the kidnapping or the sex, depending on which you want to emphasize. The title should be either alliterative or rhyming. Softer words are preferable for female protagonists: Taken by the Troodon; Swept Away by the Sauroposiedon. More aggressive words can indicate a male protagonist: Drilled by the Deinonychus; Banged by the Bambiraptor. A great title may include multiple plot elements: I Was the Spinosaurus’s Secret Sex-Slave, for example.

OK, well, I’m already rather proud of our title, so maybe we should just subtitle it “a story of dinosaur sex in the most implausible plot ever. We regretted doing it the second we lifted a pen, but quitting is for losers”. Does that work for you?

Yes, great subtitle.

There Must Be a Kidnapping/Captive Element

This is extremely important, as it sets up the situation for how your hero ends up in the boudoir of their dinosaur. It also gives you the tools you need for an attention-grabbing title.

Kidnap element? Eeek… really… And I agreed to write this shit, this is my punishment for making you do the research right? OK… here goes…

“Look, there’s one!” Kevin peered through his binoculars at a triceratops that was contentedly munching on a bush about fifty feet away from their hide.

“Do you really need the binoculars?” Lizzie rolled her eyes. “It’s a dinosaur, Kevin, it’s massive. Now you’ve seen one, can we go? I think I left the oven on.”

“No!” Kevin snapped. A sweat was forming across his brow, and he could feel a throbbing in his underwear at the sight of the twenty foot lizard. “I want to see a T-rex!”

“You would!” Lizzie snapped impatiently. “I have gone along with it this far, Kevin, all the dinosaur posters, the films, the t-shirts, the bedding. I even let you build a time machine, but really, I think enough is enough. I’m going!”  She stormed out of the hide.  As Kevin turned in exasperation he was scooped up by a pterodactyl and carried away.

How’s that? Do I need to describe the boudoir too or does that come later?

Nope, that bit’s later.

Great, I’ll look forward to it…

Predators Over Prey

Also very important. Stolen by the Stegosaurus has a nice ring to it, but let’s face it, Stegosauruses are simply not terrifying enough for this sort of story. You can’t bargain with them not to eat you because they wouldn’t be interested in the first place.

Righto- so, I need to bring in the t-rex with his tiny tiny arms and brain the size of a pea… on it….

Kevin came to in the nest of the huge lizard bird that had just grabbed him.  Below was a stage with various cave people lined up. One diplodocus with a gavel in his teeth was standing at one end auctioning them off to bidding carnivores…

What? This is unrealistic? Come on, nothing about this genre screams realism. Now shut up, I’m running an auction.

“You are the star attraction,” the birdtile hissed. “A hairless body is very desirable, especially to the T-rex. Goes down easier, less hairballs.”

“Wait!” Kevin begged. “You can’t auction me off for T-rex cuisine! I’ll do anything! ANYTHING!”

“Anything…?” his captor asked lecherously.

There Must Be Time Travel

This is only logical. How else do you expect your protagonist to hook up with their hot dinosaur lover? This can be accomplished in two ways. Your hero can travel back in time for a prehistoric hook-up, or your dinosaur can appear in modern times. There’s no need to explain the alternate reality in which dinosaurs still rule twenty-first century earth and also know how to use Twitter.

Hey, badgers can tweet, dinosaurs probably can too, so.. *shrugs*. OK, so I briefly touched on the time machine element earlier, does it need further explanation here, or are we good?

Nah, we’re good. Poor Kevin may not be, though…

Anatomy Doesn’t Count

There’s no need to fuss about a small detail like research on lizard mating, or lizard biology at all. You can ignore the thousands of results from a simple Google search on “how did dinosaurs have sex.” As long as you can give your T-Rex or your Equijubus a giant schlong, you’re good to go.

OK, giant dangly bits. Here we go. Are you sure you aren’t trolling me right now?!

Nope. Dino Dudes are “gifted” in the nether regions. Because why wouldn’t they be?

Alright…

“Anything…” The lascivious look on the creature’s face caused the throbbing in Kevin’s undergarments to return.  Suddenly, a giant snake like organ appeared from between the lizard’s legs, it’s eye looking right at Kevin.

How’s that?

Perfect. Clearly Kevin’s not straight, which is a step up from how these dinosaurs usually operate.

Unless You Have Lesbian Dinos

In which case, all you need is a species with a very, very long tongue.

Aw, really? Whose idea was this, anyway? OK, here goes…

Lizzie stumbled through the bushes back towards the time machine.  On her way her attention was grabbed by a diplodocus. It was using its long tong to extract the highest leaves from the trees, and the sight of the long pink organ gave her pause.

“What are you doing here, tiny human?” The creature looked down, its voice distinctly feminine. “They will auction you off if they catch you.”

“They… I… your tongue…” Lizzie gabbled.

“Come with me,” it looked at her and reangled its tail for her to climb up. “I will keep you safe. Very safe…”

Oh, god! Is this what it’s come to? I’m an artiste for crying out loud!

Consent Also Doesn’t Count

Is your dinosaur having trouble courting the ladies? No problem! Just introduce one to his massive wang, and she’ll be begging for more. Did you know you can also turn a man gay by putting him alone in a room with a talking velociraptor? It’s true. Dinosaurs are notorious for convincing even the most reluctant of partners. They don’t concern themselves with something so trivial as asking first. On the other hand, consent is sexy, and it’s in vogue right now, so giving your dino some basic decency could very well boost your sales.

Oh ffs! Really? I have been making our people attracted to lizards! You telling me I have to get all Son of the Sheik on this shit? I thought rape fantasies like this were a thing of the past! I am so not OK with writing dinorape. Or any rape. It’s not OK, especially not for voyeuristic reasons. Nope. Sorry. I Can’t Help Lovin’ that Lizard is going to be 100% consensual all the way.

Unless You Have Lesbian Dinos

The canon for this genre is exactly one book, but so far, the consent track record is 100%. Lesbian dinosaurs are more nurturing than their gay or straight counterparts, and they care more about making sure their partners are into it. No word on bisexual dinosaurs yet.

Did you make this bit up after what I just said so I’d have to write lesbian dino sex? I’m not gunna… I’m just not. Here, you can have a morning after scene…

“Wow,” Lizzie stretched luxuriously on the mammothskin rug. Her head was resting on the long neck of her lover. “That was, I’ve never… Kevin is so short and stubby in comparison. And, well, I… so many orgasms.”

The diplodocus made a contented sound and looped its neck around her shoulders, resting its head on her chest.

Keep It Short

You want to leave your readers wanting more. A story of 3-6k is all you need to get the point across. Dinosaurs have tiny brains; they can’t keep pace with a long novel, and they certainly shouldn’t be overwhelmed with something as tricky as an actual plot.

Well, we must be thankful for small mercies I suppose.

Keep It Fresh

These stories have a short shelf life. Next week, people probably aren’t going to be talking about Undressed by the Urbacodon like the classic we know it’s destined to become. This is a genre which requires constant new ideas. Some people branch out into mythological creatures or inanimate objects because they fear losing their audience. But if you stick to the formula, you won’t have anything to worry about.

Watch this space for I married a pizza oven. Coming to a bookstore near you!

Someone, somewhere, is going to write that. It won’t be me.

Never say never! Set up a crowd funder and see if you get interest!

If you enjoyed this how to guide, don’t forget to tell us what you thought in the comments!

And you can read more from A.M. Leibowitz on their blog, and find out more about C H Clepitt at chclepitt.com. And don’t forget to check out My Books before you go!


  • 0

The Grumpy Badger Guide to Getting Online Attention

You voted, this is what you want to know about, so here it is!

 

Today’s Grumpy Badger Guide focuses on how to get attention on social media. Clearly there are lots of you out there struggling with getting adequate online attention, feeling unloved, dejected, in need of a virtual stroke.  Fear not, the Grumpy Badger Guide to getting attention on online is here to help.

For the purposes of this guide, I will be using the fictional account of one Vince McCool. He will be modelled by prolific fantasy author and friend of Newsnibbles, Samuel Z Jones.  Vince is one cool dude, and has the whole getting online attention thing down, so hopefully you can learn something from him. Newsnibbles would also like to thank “The Master”, for donating a photograph of a plate of chips for the purposes of this illustrated guide.

As with the Grumpy Badger Guide to Writing Erotica, all characters in this guide are completely fictional. Any resemblance blah blah blah.

So, without further ado, let’s begin.

Be Ambiguous

There’s no point revealing everything.  If you give out all of the information straight away no-one will have a need to comment.  You might get the odd like or share, but that’s not what we’re after here, we want proper interactions, so the more vague the better.  Below is an example from Vince’s page.  On this particular day, the local corner shop was out of full fat milk, and Vince had to buy semi skimmed.

OMG, I have no idea how I’m going to last the week! LOL

Here, you can see that Vince has reacted badly to the need to purchase semi-skimmed milk, but he hasn’t actually given us anything to go on, forcing us to ask.  He has finished the post with a LOL to show it’s nothing serious and not to worry.  You may want to leave the LOL off depending on how much attention you want.  This particular post lead to a comment from Sharon Peebody, one of Vince’s many friends.  She asked.

OMG, babe, what’s up? U ok hunni? lol xxx

Here you see that Sharon is so concerned, she hasn’t even taken the time to write full words.  Her lol is lower case, and more of a nervous titter than the uppercase guffaw that Vince used in his original status.  Girls are more likely to comment with kisses than boys, but using three here has she has, Sharon is most likely also flirting with Vince.  We will observe flirting in a later section.

Put yourself down so that everyone else can build you back up.

Vince takes a long time taking mirror selfies, arm length phone selfies and laptop selfies.  He knows his fans want to see him, but he doesn’t want to appear vain, so he posted the following caption with this one:

Just testing the camera on my laptop, LOL! Reckon it’s got an ugly filter, hehehe.

Obviously Vince knows he’s not ugly.  No-one with self esteem issues would post as many selfies as he does, but a post like this received 39 hearts and 27 comments telling him how good he looks.  Sharon was one of the first to comment with:

No, babe. It’s got the well sexy filter on. lol. Love your tshirt hehehe.

So, you see, by posting with a self deprecating comment, Vince ensured compliments whilst not appearing vain. Also, he is maintaining the interest of the lovely Sharon. 

Everyone is fascinated with your life, don’t be afraid to share.

Vince already has an extensive fan base, which is why we’re using him as an example, but you have to think big.  Be like Vince. Your friends are not just your friends, they are your fans.  Any little tidbit you give them is like virtual gold.  Nothing is boring, pointless or annoying to share.  See below for an example of Vince trivia gold.

OMG, I just put my dinner in the microwave, and accidentally set it to defrost instead of high!  It was still cold! LOL

Vince also included photographic evidence to prove he really did have dinner, and was not making this up. You may want to evidence your posts too.

 

Here you see that Vince wants to share the hilarity that has just ensued at home in his kitchen with his fans, so that they can feel like they were there too, and somehow, in some small way a part of his life.  This latest status resulted in a total of 220 “likes” and 144 comments, but we will focus on Sharon again for consistency.

PMSL babe! Ur soooo funny. xxxxx Did u eat cold chips? LOL

Here you can see that he has amused Sharon so much he earned 5 kisses in the middle of a comment. This definitely says flirting, Vince will play it cool for a bit longer, but the defrost comment has definitely earned him points. She has also included a question, so he has to respond.  You have to give to get, it’s no good getting a reputation for not responding.  See below.

No, babe! LOL! I put em back in on the right setting. PMSL.

Here you see Vince has answered her question and acknowledged that she was making a joke. Both important in developing the relationship.

Be vulnerable. Have no secrets.

In the world of online attention, there’s no point having secrets.  What’s the point in having a feeling or an emotion if you can’t tell everyone about it?  After the chip conversation, Vince privately messaged Sharon, asking her out for chipshop chips, and promising they would be hot lol xx. Of course, this happened in private, so his fans didn’t know.  This can be rectified with a single status, see below:

Got a date with the prettiest girl online! So excited and nervous! Can’t wait to see you babe xxxxx. – Sharon Peebody

Here you can see Vince has declared his love to all of his fans, making it official, and also tagged Sharon to ensure she doesn’t miss his moment of vulnerability.  Fortunately she has found a way to set up an alert, and receives an email every time someone tags her, so was able to respond virtually immediately, to reassure Vince that his feelings are reciprocated.

OMG! Me 2 babe! cant wait 2 c u! So excited about chips. Hope they’re hot like you! xxxx

So, Sharon has reassured and complimented him, and all his fans can see just what a ladies man he is.

Things happen fast, don’t be afraid to tell everyone.

In a world of superfast broadband, microwave meals and instant messages, one date does a relationship make, and you immediately need everyone to know how happy you are.  Change your relationship status immediately, and tell the world.

Vince McCool is in a relationship with Sharon Peebody.

This particular status resulted in 798 likes.  There were also 294 comments of “congrats” and “u guys r so cute”.  Sharon also commented:

OMG babe! I luv u sooo much! Can’t wait to c u tonight. I’ll bring the chips, lol xxxxxx

Even when you’re with the person, the world still needs to know.

Vince and Sharon now live together, but as they met online they still find it easier to communicate on statuses, and that way the fans still get to observe, partly envious, partly glad to be, in some small way involved in the fascinating lives of Vince and Sharon.

OMG, LOL! Vince just farted so loudly I thought it was an earthquake! I knew we shouldn’t have had beans with our chips! It’s a good job I love him! – Vince McCool.

Wot can I say? Better out than in! LOL! Love you too baby.xxxxx

Here Sharon’s status and Vince’s response collectively received 1982 likes and comments.  Not only does it show they’re real people, but it proves that they have someone in their lives that loves them. All it needs is one person to love you for everyone else to love you too.

That’s it from this Grumpy Badger Guide.  We hope you found it useful.  If you have a topic you would like covered in a Grumpy Badger Guide, please comment below and let us know.


  • 1

The Grumpy Badger Guide to Writing Erotica

Grumpy Badger guides are going to be a new section of Newsnibbles, where Badger will write “How To” guides on request.

Having mentioned to several friends that I have now inadvertently ended up editing not one, but TWO erotica novels, (not on purpose, not my genre of choice, I did not need to know ANY of that about the authors’ inner workings), I now feel that I am amply qualified to write a how to guide, on producing an erotic novel.

For the purposes of this guide I will be using examples from a fictional novel

Cover Model: Chimp Jones

that is from my brain, set at a livery yard, called Broken Bareback.  Should you enjoy these examples, I could be persuaded to write and release it as a proper book, or at least short story.  Let me know in the comments.  Obviously my examples will be X Rated, so if you are under 18, please stop reading now, and come back when you’re old enough.  Thank you.

I would also like to add that Broken Bareback is pure fiction, from the slightly deranged mind of a badger, and any resemblance to people, places of business or actual events are purely coincidental.

So, without further a do, here is the Grumpy Badger Guide to Writing Erotica.

The Heroine Must Always Be a Virgin

This seems to be the most important and unbreakable rule to writing erotica.  She must never have known the touch of a man (or a woman, depending on what type of erotica you are reading).  There can be as many unrealistic reasons for this as you like, but it’s a rule.

All Characters Have Facial Features

And must be described by them, it’s only fair, you need to know about face, eyes and lips, not necessarily in that order.

Tell Don’t Show

You hear authors and writing teachers say all the time, “show, don’t tell”, but the opposite is true for erotica.  Only take opportunities to show if you have no other options. And lay as much background out at the beginning as you can.

See below for examples of these points from the opening paragraph of Broken Bareback.

Eva sat at her desk, tapping away at her computer. She pursed her cherry red, plump lips thoughtfully.  Blinking her ocean blue eyes she stared at the screen, twisting her corn coloured hair around her finger.  Despite being in her early 40s, she had never known the touch of a man.  Being brought up in the convent, she had only had the nuns for company until the age of 36, and been quite contented with the company of God.  However, a recent unrealistic tax hike on right wing religious organisations had meant that, in order to help support her sisters Eva had been forced to get a job administrating the yard.  As most horse owners are women, Eva had not been troubled by any male attention whatsoever in her four years in the office.  In what was a weird, yet in no way unrealistic coincidence, all contractors, delivery people and even the farrier were female.

You see here, how, although we’re only a paragraph in, we already know that Eva has eyes, hair and lips, and has never known the touch of a man, and is a good religious girl (middle aged woman). We know she is ripe for the plucking, and we are set up nicely, which brings us onto our next points:

There Must be a Promiscuous Best Friend

There has to be an adviser to the heroine, someone she trusts, someone with experience who knows how it’s done.  Someone she shares her most intimate thoughts and desires with.  Someone, who’s been around the block a few times.  Enter, the promiscuous best friend:

Lela slammed the office door and bounced in.  Her dyed blue hair shone in the florescent office lighting, her thin lips spread wide in a grin, and her dark brown eyes sparkled with the glow of someone who had recently had sex.  Lots of sex.

“Guess who I did last night!” She grinned, spinning Eva around on her chair.

“Who?” Eva smiled patiently at her friend.  In the four years they’d known each other they had had no secrets, and Eva had held Lela’s hand through numerous STD treatments.

“Who didn’t I do?” Lela said triumphantly, collapsing back in her chair.

The Hero Must Be Manly

Even if the love interest is a woman, she/he must have archetypal man traits, such as confidence verging on arrogance, a commanding “take charge” attitude, and behaviour that verges on controlling, because apparently, that’s sexy.  He must conflict with the heroine initially, before she quickly realises she wants him to own her.

Enter Hubert:

Hubert strode into the office, his jodhpurs bulging with manly assertiveness.  He wore leather knee length boots, a fitted tweed jacket and carried a whip.  His red hair shone with the colour of fire and passion, and there was a sadness in his eyes that suggested he’d been hurt in the past.  He slammed his whip down hard on Eva’s desk.

“I have been waiting here 2o minutes!” He said furiously.  “I am accustomed to being obeyed.  I have not met a filly I cannot break, yet you keep me waiting!”

“I am not keeping you waiting,” Eva snapped back.  “We are waiting for the grooms to get the horse ready for you, since you’re too important to tack up your own damn horse!”

Sex Scenes Must always be a revelation

To both characters.  There is no room for average sexual experiences, they need to be epic and go on for hours longer than anyone could realistically survive.  Long after any mere mortal would have shoved him off and said “come on, I have work tomorrow” our heroic couple is still going strong.  I won’t be quoting a sex scene here, as anyone could ignore my 18+ warning.  If you want the sex scene, better get commenting for the full length release (no pun intended).

Never Use the Actual Word, Where a Synonym will do just fine.

You want to discuss the penis in great detail, but never use the word penis, if you can possibly avoid it.  Examples could be shaft, member, man staff, control rod, sword, sabre, in fact, anything that pokes.  Same applies for lady parts, but they need to be less weapon like, her moist creases, or furry lips?! Yeah, it’s tough, but you’re writing erotica, people, suck it up! (no pun intended).

Erections as Sexy, and in No Way Disturbing

You might think your hero has a medical condition, wandering around with a permanent hardon, but no, this shows how attractive your heroine is, and is thus very sexy.  Similarly, she could constantly need underwear padding to compensate for the moistening effects he has on her.

See, the first passionate encounter:

Eva pressed her back against the wall of the tack room, breathing heavily.  If it hadn’t been for Hubert arriving when he had, that attacker could have killed her.  Her whole body was shaking.  She gasped as the door creaked open.

“Are you alright?” he asked, coming so close that she could feel his breath on her face.  The bulge in his jodhpurs was palpable, as he pressed himself against her.  She felt her heart beat faster as she clung to a saddle for support, her underwear moistened.

“He could have killed me, or worse,” she swallowed hard.

“He’s gone now,”  Hubert’s breath was almost as quick as her own as he brushed a strand of corn coloured hair away from her face.  “Everyone’s gone, it’s just us…”

“I’m not sure the nuns would approve…” she breathed as his tongue slipped free from his lips and made its way, serpent like to hers.

“I hope not,” he said, and penetrated her lips with his speech instrument.

Eva gasped, it was so unexpected, the sensation of another person in her mouth, yet the warm smoothness of his tongue was both comforting and exciting.  Soon she found herself penetrating him with equal zeal, her whole body tingling with excitement from his touch.  After what seemed like an eternity he pulled away and stepped back.

“Well, I must say goodnight,” he said calmly, and left, the protrusion in his jodhpurs the only sign that he wanted to stay.

Eva slid down the wall, gasping for breath, all she could feel was a yearning that she didn’t understand.  Why did he leave her?

There are no coincidences in erotica

You may think that Eva’s escaping attack in the earlier paragraph was just a technique with which to initiate first sexual contact with Hubert.  No, this also needs to be integral to the plot as a whole, and we need some ridiculous device whereby our heroine is kidnapped, and requires rescuing.  Erotica requires both damsels and heroes.

“I understand,” Lela hung up the phone and looked at Hubert.

“Well?” he asked urgently. “Is she ill?”

“No,” Lela chose her words carefully. “She’s been taken.”

“Taken? What do you mean taken?”

“They want that racehorse back,” she said quietly.  “The one you won in that card game, if they don’t get it, they’ll kill Eva!”

“They can’t have it!” Hubert sounded panicked.  “I sold it on, it’s in America!”

“God damn you Hubert!” Lela snapped. “Why did you have to pick Eva?  You could have any woman you wanted, why her?”

“Because she’s perfect,” he breathed.  “Don’t worry, Lela, we’ll get her back!” He said decisively. “Call the yard, tell them to saddle my horse, I’m bringing her home!”

Sex Sells, Always Leave Room for a Sequel, or 12.

Make sure you leave it on a cliffhanger, there’s always room for more erotica at a later date, after all, the money’s in the sequels (and the film deals).

Lela chewed her biro seductively as she watched the exchange between Hubert and Eva.  She wondered if there would be room for one more in the relationship.  When the passionate kiss ended, Hubert mounted his steed and galloped off into the sunset.

“Are you OK?” Lela asked as Eva returned.

“Of course,” Eva smiled at her friend.  “You can’t keep a man like Hubert in one place too long, he yearns to be free.  But don’t worry, I have a feeling we’ll see him again.”

If you enjoyed this Grumpy Badger Guide, and feel that there is another genre that could benefit from similar treatment, then get in touch.  If you would like to read Broken Bareback in its entirety, then comment below.  If there’s enough interest, I could maybe be persuaded to write it…